


If Only

by FindingFeathersSeanchaidh



Category: Britannia High
Genre: Christmas Party, Daydreams, F/M, diary entry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2008-12-23
Updated: 2008-12-23
Packaged: 2021-03-12 11:15:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29758815
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FindingFeathersSeanchaidh/pseuds/FindingFeathersSeanchaidh
Summary: Ronnie has a diary, in which she keeps her daydreams.
Relationships: Jez Tyler/Ronnie Nuttal





	If Only

“Dear diary,

“It has been two years now since we all left Britannia High. I’m still with Jez, well, in a hair and make-up sort of way, anyway. We still see a lot of BB, and quite a bit of Lauren too. Her and Jez played the lead roles in Starlight Express earlier this year. Now that was a right make up challenge! You would not believe the amount of the stuff we got through with that! They’ve done a few shows together now. It were Jez what got Lauren her first big role too! Claudine didn’t speak to him for months after that! I bumped into Claudine the other day too: she was out Christmas shopping. Well, she was out shopping anyway. With Claudine, you don’t need an excuse like Christmas to spend shed loads of cash!

Haven’t seen Danny for a long time, and Lola’s still in Australia with Stefan. I remember how shocked we were when the postcards arrived. Well, how shocked I was, anyway! Speaking of Lola, or, well, writing of Lola, I suppose I should say, well, write. Where was I? Oh, that’s right: Christmas cards. Not many here for me, just the usual friends and family from back in Grimsby, plus the ones from Jez, BB and Lauren. The first to arrive, though, was Lola’s, yet again. She does this every year! One year I’m going to send one back to her when hers arrives and write on it “I posted this the day I got yours”! I swear she thinks it’s three months for Christmas cards, not three weeks! It arrived in the middle of September!

She seems to be having a nice time though, and I’m glad it’s going well for them. It’s a pity they’re not coming over for the Christmas party though. Jez’s Dad always puts on a good spread for Christmas. I think he’s just pleased to have so many people in the house again. BB and Lauren will be there, and Jez himself, of course. Not sure about Claudine though, and I don’t even know if Danny got the invitation!

It’ll be nice to spend Christmas in that big old house though. Candles and mulled wine. Holly and ivy everywhere. You should see the decorations! They’re spectacular! And the tree! It’s massive! Out in that huge hallway by that fantastic staircase! With tinsel all the way down the bannister and mistletoe hidden in every room!

I know who I’d like to catch under the mistletoe!

If only he wasn’t gay!

If only!”

~xxXXXXxx~

“Hey BB, how’s the room?” Jez called up the stairs as BB appeared at the top of them. The doorbell had just wrung and both boys were on their way to welcome the next guest.

“It’s awesome, man. You didn’t have to get the decorators in just for me!”

“It was needing redone anyway, and you’re the only one who uses it.”

BB reached the front door just as Jez opened it to reveal a shivering Lauren on the porch.

“I forgot how long it takes you to get to the door in that place!” Lauren muttered as she hurried past Jez, dragging her case into the hall.

“Merry Christmas to you too!” Jez muttered, rolling his eyes.

“Don’t worry: there’s a massive fire in the drawing room!” BB replied, grinning and taking Lauren’s case from her. “I’ll go put this in your room. You go and warm up.”

“Okay,” Lauren laughed, hugging BB and Jez in turn, almost as an afterthought adding: “Oh, and Merry Christmas!”

Jez and BB watched Lauren disappear in the direction of the promised fire. Although the last to arrive in their little group, way back at the start of their first year at Britannia High, Lauren had been the truest friend and strongest ally anyone could have wished for. She was also the only one of the other four who had made the effort to keep in touch on a regular basis.

“You all right with that case?” Jez asked, as BB hoisted the dead weight up the first of a long line of stairs.

“Yeah, mate: no probs!” BB gasped bravely. “You go and make sure Lauren’s okay. ‘Specially after lugging this thing around!”

Jez nodded and disappeared in the direction of the drawing room, giving BB the opportunity to pause and catch his breath.

“She’d better have a great present in here for me,” he muttered, keeping one hand on the handle of the case to make sure it didn’t topple back down the stairs again. “Nobody makes clothes this heavy!”

~xXx~

Lauren stood by the fire, holding out her hands to warm them. It had been a good year. The time in the West End had been great: joint top of the bill and approached by a well-known music label! Her agent was urging her to sign the contract, and she probably would too, but she wanted to speak to the boys first. Jez especially. There was a promise that she was determined not to go back on.

Almost as if her thought had made him appear, Jez backed into the room with a tray of mugs. The door swung shut behind him as he placed the tray down on the coffee table.

“Hot chocolate for three, marshmallows but no whipped cream,” he said.

“You know me far too well!” Lauren grinned, settling herself into an armchair with the mug she was handed. “So, who else is still to arrive?”

“Well, Lola and Stefan definitely won’t be here. There’s still no word from Danny, so who knows what’s going on with him these days. Claudine will be here, but not until tomorrow, and Ronnie should be arriving sometime this evening, with her new boyfriend.”

“Ronnie has a boyfriend?” Lauren gaped. “Seriously?”

Jez raised an eyebrow and nodded mutely.

“What’s he like? Have you met him?”

“Once,” Jez nodded again. “He came to pick her up from the theatre once. I met him then. In fact, I think she made a point of introducing us!”

“Well?” Lauren verbally prodded as Jez lapsed into silence once more.

“Well, what? There’s not much to tell,” he replied. “He was polite. He’s reasonably good looking. He has a car...”

“But?”

“Why does there have to be a but?”

“There’s always a but.”

“I didn’t say there was a but.”

“You said there was a but.”

“No I didn’t.”

“You may not have said the word, but everything else about you said there was a but.”

“There is no but!”

“Then why aren’t you jumping up and down for joy?”

“And why would I be doing that?”

“Because if Ronnie has a boyfriend, it means she’s over you.”

“I am not some giggling little schoolgirl, Lauren!”

“Ahh, of course...”

“Of course, what?”

“You’re jealous.”

“Now you’re being ridiculous.”

“You had Ronnie all to yourself and now you have to share her.”

“You’re being silly.”

“That’s so unfair, Jez.”

“No, you really are being silly.”

“I didn’t mean about that, although that too now you come to mention it. I meant about wanting to keep Ronnie to yourself.”

“I don’t!”

“You’ve kept her hanging on for years now! You should be pleased when she starts seeing someone!”

“I haven’t done anything! We’re friends! We work together! We’re a team!”

“Then why aren’t you happy for her?”

Jez glared at Lauren. Lauren raised her eyebrows expectantly and stared back.

“Fine,” Jez sighed. “There’s a but.”

“Which is?” Lauren asked sweetly.

“Something’s not right about him?”

“Care to be a bit more specific?”

“I’m not sure I can. It’s just a feeling I got. I don’t like him. Don’t trust him. That’s all.”

“Unfounded bad feelings from a single meeting,” Lauren grinned mischievously. “That sounds remarkably like jealousy to me.”

“Well, it isn’t,” replied Jez, refusing to rise to the bait a second time. “Just wait until you meet him, then we’ll see if you still think it’s just jealousy.”

~xXx~

Dinner for four in the Tyler household was considerably different from dinner for four with Mrs Troy, who now had yet another brood of young hopefuls to mother. Jez’s father was always eager to make his son’s friends feel at home, but never more so than with these two of the closest three.

“How’s the radio show coming along, BB?” Sir Jack asked the young man on his left.

“It’s great, actually,” BB replied, tucking into a second helping of roast beef. “We’ve been nominated for another award. Same one as last year. Fingers crossed, eh?”

“Indeed. It would certainly be something to get two in a row.”

“Well, it looks lonely up there on the shelf,” BB shrugged. “It could do with another one to keep it company!”

“What time did you say Ronnie would be here?” Lauren asked, looking left to Jez, then across the table at the two empty places opposite BB and herself.

“About nine o’clock,” Jez replied. “They said not to wait on them.”

Lauren glanced up at the clock. Eight o’clock. The desserts were just being served and she glanced right to see BB happily gulping down his profiteroles. They would be finished their meal well before Ronnie arrived, even if BB went back for thirds! That was unfortunate. She had been looking forward to grilling the boyfriend over the dinner table. She would have to find some way to get into conversation with him after they’d eaten.

Nine o’clock came and went. Lauren could feel worry start to set in and knew Jez was feeling the same. The groove he was wearing in the thick drawing room carpet gave it away. Sir Jack and BB had gone up to the billiards room and occasional shouts of triumph had floated down throughout but seemed to have dried up as the evening went on.

At half past nine, the doorbell finally sounded and both Lauren and Jez bolted for the door like greyhounds let out of their traps on a racing day. They could hear heavy footsteps on the stairs behind them as they reached the door.

“Ronnie!” Lauren sighed as the door swung open. “We were worried! Why didn’t you call?”

“I’m sorry,” Ronnie giggled, hugging Jez and Lauren, then BB and even Sir Jack. “I’m such a klutz. I dropped my phone on the train and now it won’t switch on! And Brad doesn’t have your numbers of course! And the train was late! And then we had to wait ages on a taxi from the station!”

“And this must be Brad!” Lauren cut in, turning to the young man hovering behind Ronnie.

“Oh, of course!” Ronnie stepped aside to introduce Brad to the group. “Brad this is Lauren, BB and Sir Jack Tyler, Jez’s dad. You’ve met Jez of course.”

“Just call me Jack,” Jez’s father cut in as Brad shook hands with everyone.

“It’s a pleasure to meet you all,” Brad replied with a smile. “And thank you for inviting me to spend Christmas with you.”

“The more the merrier,” said Sir Jack. “I’ll just go and have a word with the chef. Jez can show you where your rooms are.”

Brad nodded at the older man then turned back to look expectantly at Jez. Without a word, Jez lifted Ronnie’s case and led the way to the stairs. BB glanced at Lauren, grabbed Brad’s case and grinned at the two newcomers.

“This way,” he said. “There’s only a couple of flights of stairs!”

Lauren tagged along at the back of the group, taking her time on the stairs and admiring the tree in the centre of the stairwell. So far, the boyfriend had seemed perfectly normal. Nothing obviously odd or wrong about him at all. No fangs, no aversion to light, no Jack Nicholson eyebrows... She paused as they reached the landing of the first floor and watched the others continue up to the second. Her own bedroom was just a few doors away. It was her room, just as BB’s was his. Nobody else ever used them. Every year she would spend either Christmas or New Year with her family, and the other with her friends. This year it was here for Christmas, then home for New Year. Next year, it would be the other way round.

The first time she had stayed at the mansion, her room had been on the second floor with the others. After one night of being carried up the second flight by the boys when her neuralgia kicked in, they had moved the room down to the first floor. Sir Jack had even shown her where the lift was, should she ever need to use it. Thankfully, she hadn’t… yet. It was an old service lift for bringing up tea trolleys and so on, and thus was hidden away where the originally aristocratic members of the household would not have to see it. BB still hadn’t found it and they still hadn’t told him it existed!

Slipping quietly into her room, Lauren began unpacking. She would have at least an hour before she would be expected downstairs again. It took very little time to unpack and put away her clothes, but considerably longer to find new hiding places for her presents. It was almost a tradition that the boys would sneak in and try and find them. Every year she tried to find somewhere new, just to make it a challenge. She heard BB’s laughter on the stairs and quickly shoved the last of the presents under the bed. A moment later, there was a knock at her door. It was BB.

“Right: two questions,” said BB, holding up his hands before Lauren said anything. “Firstly: Jack wants to know if you’re coming down for mulled wine and muffins. Secondly: what on earth is going on with Jez and the new guy?”

“Ahh,” Lauren nodded sagely, “I thought you might notice. Well, in answer to the easy question: I was just on my way down. As for the second one...” Lauren shrugged. “He says he just has a bad feeling about him.”

“Oh, how reassuring,” BB quipped. “I can tell this Christmas is just going be a bundle of laughs now!”

“Look, BB, you’ve seen a lot more of Jez and Ronnie than I have in the past month or two. Did you know anything about this boyfriend?”

“Me? Nah. I only found out about that yesterday: when I got here. Don’t think they’ve been going out long.”

“It’s a bit weird him being here for Christmas then, isn’t it?”

“No family, apparently,” BB shrugged, sitting down on the bed. “Didn’t want to spend Christmas on his own. Guess I can understand that.”

“So, what else do you know about him?”

“He’s some kind of special effects guy. Met Ronnie at some mad backstage health and safety training day.”

“That it?”

“That’s it.”

“So, what do _you_ think of him? I mean, do _you_ think there’s something odd about him?”

“Well, he doesn’t like profiteroles.”

“Oh quick, call the food police!” Lauren cut in sarcastically, sitting down on the bed beside BB.

“Who doesn’t like profiteroles?” BB cried defensively.

“Well, Claudine for one!”

“I rest my case! Anyway: she likes them, she just won’t eat them in case the cream makes her fat!”

“You don’t see any reason for Jez to be acting the way he is, then?”

“No, not really,” BB shook his head. “The guy’s great as far as I can see.”

Lauren shrugged and they both got up and headed for the door. As she closed it behind them, Lauren turned to BB thoughtfully.

“BB?”

“Yeah?”

“What happened to the profiteroles Brad didn’t want?”

“Oh, he gave them to me!”

Lauren laughed and shook her head as a grinning BB preceded her down the stairs.

~xXx~

The morning of Christmas Eve dawned bright and clear. Jez looked out of his window to see everything covered in a sparkling white frost. Last night had ended awkwardly. Clearly, Lauren and BB both thought he was jealous. That was ridiculous. Protective, maybe. Ronnie was one of his closest friends. Perhaps even his closest friend now. He cared about her. Didn’t want her to get hurt. It was natural that he should feel protective of her when some random guy decides to sweep her off her feet like that. Protective, yes. Jealous, no. Definitely not jealous. Definitely not.

He flicked through the clothes in his wardrobe and picked out a suit to wear to the party that evening. It was the same one he wore every year. Somehow, it didn’t feel right this year. He sighed and put it back, pulling out another one in its place and hanging it up on a stand nearby. Sighing and shaking his head to clear it, he decided that breakfast might help him make his mind up.

The house was still and quiet as he made his way down the stairs. BB and Lauren were never early risers and his father tended to make the most of his free mornings by eating breakfast in bed. It was an uncommon indulgence that only ever surfaced around this time of year.

Breakfast constituted a glass of orange juice and a bowl of cereal. Still unable to clear his thoughts, Jez grabbed his jacket, boots, scarf, gloves, and hat, and made his way out the front door. There was a walk through the substantial grounds that led to a walled garden. It had always been a favourite haunt of his whenever he needed time to think. Within five minutes he had reached the ornate iron gate that led into the garden. It was a shimmering silvery grey that melted to black where he pushed the gate open. The garden beyond was almost completely bare at this time of year. Just a few small evergreen shrubs and trees maintained some semblance of colour. At the centre of the garden was a small, ornamental lake, most of which was taken up by a central island and a willow tree.

Jez wove his way along the winding pathways built into the garden and crossed the bridge to the island. There was a bench beneath the tree and, in the summer, the overhanging branches could hide anyone seated there from view. It was the perfect place to sit and think.

The sun had risen high in the sky by the time Jez began to think about going back to the house. He mentally rehearsed the story he would tell them to explain his absence. It was a weak excuse. They would see through it straight away.

“I thought you might be here,” said a voice quietly. It was Ronnie. Jez’s heart sank as he turned to face her. Nobody could see through him better than Ronnie, and she was the one person he wanted to hide this from.

“I... I just...”

“Needed time to think?” Ronnie finished.

“How...?”

“You always come here when there’s something on your mind,” Ronnie shrugged. “What is it this time?”

“I... I don’t know.”

“You don’t know what’s on your own mind?” Ronnie laughed. “That’s not like you!”

Jez winced and looked up to avoid her eyes. Before he could think up an explanation, he spotted something that almost made him swear.

“That wasn’t there last year,” he muttered, cursing under his breath when he realised Ronnie had heard him and looked up too.

“Oh,” she said, simply.

“Don’t you dare!” Jez warned.

“I don’t think Brad would appreciate it much,” Ronnie smiled. “But it’s bad luck to ignore it.”

Jez glared at the treacherous parasite invading the peaceful sanctuary of the willow tree. It was the first time in years he had failed to avoid being caught under the mistletoe. He’d spent so much time making sure he knew where it was all hidden in the house, he’d forgot about the wild stuff growing in the grounds. He sighed and gave up. There was no point trying to avoid it.

“Fine,” he said. “A peck on the cheek still counts, I guess.”

“I guess.”

Whether someone’s aim was off, or something had made them turn just at the wrong moment, nobody will ever know. As their lips met, time slowed, a breeze rustled the branches of the willow, and something changed.

Jez pulled away, confused, realising that his heart was beating faster than it should be.

“We’d better go,” he said, looking back up to the house. “They’ll be wondering where we are.”

Leaving a startled Ronnie in his wake, Jez hurried past her and back toward the house. Ronnie paused for a moment, taking in what had just happened, then turned and headed back along the same path.

~xXx~

“Jez, where have you been? We’ve been looking all over for you!”

Lauren’s voice fell on deaf ears as her friend rushed past her and straight up the stairs. She glanced across at BB with a worried frown creasing her forehead.

“Don’t look at me!” BB held up his hands. “I have no idea what’s going on with the guy!”

“Have either of you seen Ronnie?” Brad called from the doorway to the drawing room. “She went out earlier and I haven’t seen her since. She said she wouldn’t be gone long.”

BB and Lauren exchanged another glance.

“Nah, mate,” BB replied. “Haven’t seen her. Sorry.”

When Brad disappeared, BB crossed the floor to stand beside Lauren. He kept his voice low and his eyes on the doorway of the drawing room.

“You think something’s going on with Jez and Ronnie?”

“Don’t be daft,” Lauren whispered. “He’s gay and she’s got a boyfriend!”

“Yeah, the thing is, Lauren: your head might be telling your mouth to say that, but I can tell from your face, you don’t believe it. So come on: level with me. What do you know?”

Lauren sighed, rolled her eyes, and dragged BB into a nearby cupboard.

“Listen,” she said, “I don’t exactly know anything. I just think the way Jez is reacting to Ronnie being, well, off the market so to speak, is a bit weird. Even if it has just been a platonic friendship, the two of them have been living in each other’s pockets for years now: travelling up and down the country together, even overseas. He’s had her all to himself. His number one fan too. Now he has to share her, and I don’t think he likes that.”

“Yeah, but he’s not exactly the vainest of blokes.”

“Maybe not, but he’s had his moments. Besides, you haven’t seen them together when they’re working: they’re closer now than any of us ever were. That’s a pretty strong bond for some random guy to come in and break.”

“Okay, so he’s jealous. That explains his reaction to the bloke. What about just now?”

“I don’t know. We don’t know what went on outside.”

“Ronnie went out too, remember.”

“So what? They bumped into each other and had some massive row about the way he’s treating her new man?” Lauren pulled a face. “Yeah, that might explain it.”

“That doesn’t sound like Ronnie, though. She’s no shrinking violet, but she’s not one for major rows!”

“You didn’t see them a couple of months ago!”

BB opened his mouth to reply then froze as the front door opened and closed again.

“Jez?” It was Ronnie’s voice.

“Where have you been!” Brad called through. From his hiding place, BB could see Brad through the slightly open cupboard door. He didn’t look like his usual charming self.

“I went for a walk, like I said,” Ronnie replied.

“You left me on my own in a house of strangers. Do you have any idea how uncomfortable I felt?”

“I asked you if you wanted to come with me!”

“I didn’t realise you’d intended to be gone for hours!”

“I wasn’t that long!”

“It felt like it!”

BB and Lauren cringed in the cupboard, all too aware that they now had no option but to remain and listen to the argument.

“And what have you been saying to your resident drama queen of an idol? What’s the point in dragging me out here when he obviously can’t stand the sight of me?”

“Don’t call him that! And you were the one who invited yourself, Brad.”

“I wouldn’t be here without your whining to ‘come and meet the gang, it’ll be so much fun’!”

“Brad!”

“What? Hadn’t you better be getting changed by now? You’re not wearing that old rubbish to the party tonight, I hope. It’ll take you most of the day to get ready. I’m surprised you let yourself spend so long out wandering the woods!”

BB watched silently as Brad stormed back through to the drawing room and Ronnie headed up the stairs. When the coast was clear he pushed the door open and nodded to Lauren.

“Somehow,” he whispered, as Lauren closed the cupboard door again, “I get the feeling that Jez might have been spot on with that guy.”

~xXx~

By the time Ronnie reached the top of the first flight of stairs, the anger had subsided. By the time she reached the top of the second flight, she was struggling to hold back tears. This was turning out to be the worst Christmas for a long time.

Thoughts spinning round her head, she came to an abrupt stop at the top of the stairs, her head in her hands. She should never have brought Brad here. He was right: she shouldn’t have left him on his own for so long. But what was she supposed to do? Ignore a friend who obviously had something on his mind? When she was the only one who knew where he went to think? And what had happened back there on that island in the middle of the garden? Something had definitely changed between them then. Something unexpected. Something that had scared him.

A door closed along the corridor and she looked up quickly. She was quick enough to see Jez turn and disappear back inside his room. Sighing, Ronnie wiped a hand over her eyes and marched over to the door.

“Jez,” she called through the door. “Jez, I know you’re in there. Come out and talk to me!”

No answer.

“Oh, for goodness sake: stop acting like a child!”

Still no answer.

“Fine, I’ll come in then.”

She tried the door handle. It was locked.

“You never lock your door...” Ronnie muttered quietly, feeling her heart sink further. She paused for a moment, torn between trying to force it issue further and giving her friend the solitude he obviously wanted. She raised her voice again. “Jez, please let me in. Look, I don’t know what’s wrong: if you’re angry with me, maybe, for bringing Brad here. I know you don’t like him. So does he by the way. But whatever it is, if you talk to me about it, we can fix it. If you want us to go, we’ll go. I don’t mind. It was my fault: I shouldn’t have brought him.”

Silence.

Feeling somewhat crushed, Ronnie turned to go. She was too far away to hear the key turn in the lock, but close enough to hear the door open behind her.

“Don’t go,” Jez said quietly. “I’m not angry with you. I don’t really mind him being here. I just... I’ve got a lot going on in my head right now.”

“Anything I can help with?” Ronnie asked, turning round to face him.

“No... No, just stuff I need to work out on my own. I can’t get you involved. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Why...?”

“I’m sorry, Ronnie, I just really need you to sit this one out. Please.”

Ronnie nodded, but the door had already closed again. With a deep breath she turned and headed for her own room. Perhaps she had her own thinking to do.

~xXx~

“So, we’re agreed then,” said Lauren. “That’s the plan?”

“That’s the plan,” BB agreed.

“All we need to do now is get Claudine to agree to her part when she finally gets here.”

“She shouldn’t be long: there’s a taxi pulling up outside now.”

“Quick: get the door before she rings the bell!”

Lauren and BB raced down the stairs and skidded to a halt by the front door. BB heaved the door open just as Claudine raised her hand to the bell. Lauren dragged her into the hall before she had a chance to ring it.

“I know I haven’t seen you guys in a while, but I didn’t think you’d have missed me that much!”

“Don’t flatter yourself Claudine,” said Lauren. “We just want you for your own, very special, talents.”

“And which of those many, many talents would you be interested in using?” Claudine smirked.

“We need you to chat up Ronnie’s boyfriend,” BB cut in bluntly.

“You don’t need me for that! You’ve already got one expert boyfriend stealer right here!”

“I only take back what was mine already, Claudine,” Lauren’s tone was acid. “Besides: he knows me now. If I start flirting with him now, he’ll know something's wrong.”

“Well, he would the way you flirt!”

“You’ll do it, then?”

“Care to tell me why I’m being served up on a plate to this guy?”

“He’s not right for Ronnie,” said BB.

“He’s not right for anyone!” Lauren added.

“Just watch yourself, though...”

“...he’s not as nice as he seems.”

“We liked him at first.”

“Speak for yourself!”

“You said you couldn’t see why Jez didn’t like him!”

“Yeah, I didn’t say that I did, though!”

“Guys!” Claudine threw up her hands to stop BB and Lauren’s bickering. “Please, just tell me: what is going on?”

“Ronnie has a new boyfriend,” Lauren began.

“His name’s Brad, and he’s in the drawing room,” said BB.

“He’s good looking....”

“Smart...”

“Really polite and charming...”

“And a total jerk.”

“He invited himself here...

“And now Ronnie seems stuck with him...”

“When we’re fairly sure she’d rather be with someone else...”

“Even if he can’t feel the same for her...”

“But we’re not quite so sure about that now...”

“And we need to go and talk to them both...”

“So we need you to keep Brad busy down here.”

“Deal?”

“Only if you promise me never to do that verbal tennis thing again!” Claudine raised a bemused eyebrow. “Oh, and someone take my bags up to my room, please.”

Lauren and BB looked at each other as Claudine flounced off in the direction of the drawing room.

“She never changes!” Lauren laughed.

“And for once, I’m really glad that she hasn’t!” BB agreed.

“Right. So, who do we talk to first?”

“Jez. Definitely. We need to know if we’re right about him before we talk to Ronnie.”

~xXx~

“Jez, mate, open up. You have got to see this mad hat Claudine brought me for the party tonight!” BB called through the closed door.

“He’s never going to believe that!” Lauren whispered.

“Shh! I can hear something!”

The door clicked open and Jez’s face appeared. He didn’t even have time to complain as BB and Lauren forced their way into the room and manhandled him over to a chair.

“Right, now spill,” Lauren demanded.

“Spill what?” Jez groaned. “What are you talking about?”

“I knew I was close to the truth when you were telling me about Brad. I just had no idea how close!”

“Look, we’re here for you mate,” said BB.

“You know you can tell us the truth,” Lauren added.

“We don’t care who you fall for, guy or girl...”

“Just so long as you’re honest with us...”

“And honest with yourself.”

“Now don’t get offended...”

“We just need an absolutely honest answer.”

“Do you think there is any chance...”

“Any chance at all...”

“Even the slightest....”

“That you might be... well... bi?”

“Or, maybe... pan... even...?”

Jez glared up at the two of them. It would be much easier to give them an honest answer if he knew what it was himself. But then maybe it would help to talk it through.

“Lauren?” Jez said, choosing his words carefully. “For once in my life I think I can honestly say this is ‘guy stuff’. So get lost, will you?”

Lauren and BB exchanged a glance and Lauren shrugged and left. BB made himself comfortable on the end of the bed, opposite Jez’s chair.

“Well? Speak to me, bro!” BB crowed. “Tell me all your troubles.”

“Don’t laugh.”

“Would I ever?”

“I kissed Ronnie.”

Lauren stopped in her tracks as she heard BB’s whoop of laughter. She shook her head in amusement and knocked on Ronnie’s door.

“Ronnie? It’s Lauren!”

There was the sound of some muffled shuffling and the door opened a crack.

“What is it?” Ronnie sniffed.

“I thought you might need a shoulder,” Lauren smiled sheepishly. “Can I come in?”

~xXx~

“And that’s it?” BB laughed.

“You said you wouldn’t laugh.”

“Actually, I think you’ll find I didn’t,” he said. “But never mind.”

Jez glared at his friend wearily.

“Aw, come on, man: you’ve got to see the funny side!” BB continued “Most people spend half their lives trying to convince themselves they’re not gay when they are. You’re the only bloke I know who’s managed it the other way round!”

“This doesn’t mean I’m straight, though.”

“Nah, course not. It just means that it doesn’t matter.”

“What am I supposed to do now though? Now that ‘Brad’ is on the scene?”

“Ah, well, we think we might be able to help you there, man.”

“Why?” Jez furrowed his brows suspiciously. “What have you done?”

“Well...”

~xXx~

“So what? One kiss, a kiss under the mistletoe no less, and now you’re the worst girlfriend ever?” Lauren handed Ronnie another tissue. “Don’t be daft!”

“But it’s not just that,” Ronnie gulped. “Something happened out there. That kiss was different. Like... Like... I dunno. Magic, or fate or something like that.”

“You mean it meant something? More, maybe, than it should have?”

“I suppose so.”

“And you don’t know what to do about it?”

Ronnie shrugged.

“Look, Ronnie,” Lauren searched for the right words. “The thing is... Do you remember when we did Starlight together?”

Ronnie nodded.

“And I had this song to sing, a solo.”

“Which one? There were two of them.”

“The one you don’t have to be a train to make sense of. The second one.”

“Make up my Heart,” Ronnie nodded. “You were really good with that one.”

“Well, thanks, but that’s not quite the point. The point is: that’s what you need to do now.”

“What?”

“Make up your mind, make up your heart... As the song says.”

“But I...”

“Look, I know I’m not exactly an expert on the subject, but it looks to me as though you don’t love Brad.”

“But what if Jez can’t love me?”

“Does that matter? It’s still no reason to be with someone you don’t love yourself.”

“But...”

“Just ask yourself this: which one makes you smile?”

~xXx~

Everyone was downstairs when Ronnie finally decided to leave her room. Her mind was still in turmoil as she made her way down the glittering staircase to the ground floor. She had decided to wait and see how the evening progressed before making any decision. There would still be Christmas day itself, and Boxing day, before she had to leave. Two days of thinking time. She wobbled slightly in her high heels and focussed on the steps before her. Perhaps she should have gone with the less formal dress. Then she could have worn a pair of stair-friendly shoes instead. She had no idea what the others were wearing. Claudine would be done up to the nines anyway: she always was. What if Lauren was just wearing something normal though? What if she stood out?

“You look amazing,” said a voice in her ear.

Ronnie looked up to find that she had made it to the last two steps without falling. Looking round, she saw who had spoken. It was Jez. She blushed, then giggled nervously, then missed the last step and slipped. Jez caught her and steadied her.

“Why do you wear those things when you can’t walk in them?” Jez asked, taking her arm and leading her through to the drawing room.

“They look nice.”

“They look uncomfortable.”

“They’re not too bad. Until you get one stuck down a drain.”

“Are you okay?”

“I’m fine: you caught me.”

“I meant about earlier.”

“Oh,” Ronnie paused at the drawing room door. The sounds of laughter filtered out. “Which earlier? Upstairs? Or in the garden?”

She felt the muscle in his arm tense up at the mention of the garden and turned to watch his face.

“Jez?”

“Hmm?”

“Are you okay?”

“About what?”

“Everything?”

“I’m fine. Let’s go in. They’ll be waiting.”

“Are you sure?”

“Definitely. I can hear BB’s laugh.”

“Not about them. About you. Are you sure you’re okay?”

“I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You kissed me. And you felt something. Don’t lie to me, I know you did: you practically ran away from me. You haven’t been able to look at me since.”

“Okay,” Jez took a deep breath, leading Ronnie over to a seat around a corner of the hallway, out of sight of the drawing room door, should it open. “Here’s the thing. Yes, I kissed you. How, exactly I managed that, I don’t know. I didn’t mean to. And yes, I felt something. And that was as much a shock to me as it was to you or anyone else for that matter. Since then, I’ve done nothing but think about what it was I felt. I’ve gone over it and over it from every angle. I don’t know what it makes me. I know it means I’m possibly not, strictly speaking, ‘gay’, but I’m not straight either; and I’m not going to pin myself down to any other label until I’m comfortable with it. All I know is that I care about you and I felt something for you then. Something I wasn’t expecting to feel. But it doesn’t matter because you’re here with Brad and much as I may not like him, I have no right to interfere.”

“Of course it matters,” Ronnie told him. “You know how I feel about you. Do you think for one minute I would even consider Brad if I thought there was the slightest chance you could love me like I love you? How blind do you have to be?”

Jez smiled wryly. He’d looked up again.

“Blind enough to miss mistletoe twice in one year, apparently,” he said.

“Ah,” Ronnie giggled, looking up at the forlorn branch dangling from the ceiling high above. “Well, this time kiss me properly, and try not to run away, and we’ll see where we end up.”

And so, he did.

~xxXXXXxx~

“Well, that would be my idea of the perfect Christmas, diary dear, but somehow, I don’t think it’ll ever quite work out like that. I’m never likely to meet that Brad for starters and we all know magic doesn’t work and miracles don’t happen.

But the mistletoe will still be there, and I might catch him under it, for once. If only as a friend.

If only.

Love, Ronnie.”

~FIN~

(Author’s Note: Yes, I know this is unutterably and unbearably twee and saccharin, but that’s what happens when an aro-ace cynic writes a rom-com!)


End file.
